"I'm not saying I don't cry, I just laugh in between"

First of all, I just really like that quote from Garden State. Anyways-

I was kind of in a bad mood at work today. I went to go visit some of my usual patients, and each one of them was confused. Mr. S told me his remote for the tv was broken, well that's because the remote was a phone. Ms. T. who is known for yelling out into the hallway was quiet today- but she kept moaning and moaning, like she was in pain, but she couldn't talk so there was nothing I could do for her except hold her hand and talk to her and hope she could hear me. I left her room, and went to my special lady- Ms. M.- I visit her every day, sometimes for hours at a time, talking about anything or sitting in peaceful silence. She's been bad, very close to death, but has gotten better, but today she was confused. Just yesterday, I told her about dinner with my house of 13, and she asked me to make her cookies and told me she loved me when I had to leave for the day. But today, I'm pretty sure she didn't know who I was. Maybe I shoulda brought the cookies.

I think what I'm getting at is that the situation frustrates me. It would frustrate anyone. I know they're going to die and I can't do anything about it.

There are some patient care volunteers and there are some administrative volunteers. Some volunteers help out with the officework and choose to not interact with patients. I actually had a lady tell me that she used to visit patients but couldn't anymore.
This is where I get confused though, I understand about getting depressed or frustrated about the situation, but don't you think that the patient is alot more depressed than you are? And if they have so much strength that they have come to terms and are still able to look positively on life, can't you do the same?
It's not that I want to especially go see these people in pain. On good days, I'm happy to go see anyone, but there are definitely days where I would be happy to be ignorant to what's happening in those rooms, how many beds are emptying. If I wanted to, I could sit up at the front desk all day doing work and not seeing a single patient. I just can't not go see and talk to the patients.

I'm not trying to rant or condemn people that choose to not visit these patients, even though I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I sound like. I just felt really frustrated today and I wanted to try and figure it out. I still don't fully understand. I guess I'm learning about what kind of person I am and what kind of things I want to be doing in the future- something where I can really do something for people, face to face.

I saw one of the social workers today enter a room and instantly look in the eyes of a wife who was soon to be widowed in the next day if not the next hour and be able to comfort her and make a difference. People like that inspire me. I was telling Richelle earlier today that it's amazing how many remarkable, optimistic people work at a place where it would be easy to see the worst in the world. Occasionally, I see a nurse or two that's in denial of what's going on around them, but that's just ridiculous. These people deserve to be cared for by people that not only will face the situation, but will hold their hand and tell them it's ok too.

On a better note, YAY Richelle! Richelle hung out with David today- for real. Apparently, he needs a hearing aid, he wasn't just trying to ignore us, haha. It took a lot of guts to do what you did, and it was a really really good thing to do.

-Helen